to be honest i don't give a shit who reads this at the moment iam in the state of mind that no -one gives a fucking shit about me in my hour of need you can garuntee that i will be alone while the blood from my wrists and neck is colouring the floor a very beautiful deep red ok so i am swigging wine out of the bottle my parents are away and i am in a pretty self destructive mood
and eventhough i have friends i am unloved in the way that i want to be and i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the reasn i am fat far to needy and i may collapse on the floor any time why id rather destroy myself is anyones guess but i am not worth the pain and heratache if i were to die who would care? all the people who i have ever loved have either hurt me or not known how i feel for them and what do they do they suck me dry untill i have nothing BUT and this is makes me laugh it is all my fault i scare them away so all i have to say is FUCK OFF AND BOLLOCKS because every thing i hsve to give is not enough
i have to accept the truth I am fcking ugly and will die alone
Without dreams we have no hope of escape form the cruel reality that is life. The worst bit is when a dream fades but you enjoyed it soo much that you would do absoulutely anything to reclaim it as yours and yours alone. our dreams are what make us who we are from the dull to the out of this world if we didn't have them we would exist but not be alive.....
i wrote this to a friend after one of their posts Soorry but i liked it so much i had to use it!!! and it sort of sums up the way i am feeling at the moment!
(this is in no way a negative statement i am relativley happy at the moment i just relish my dreams)
At long last a break through in my negative attitude Life is too short to waste time on the negative thoughts and things why not just embrace what we have and learn to accept people for who they are? Everyone is different so why not encourage that instead of repressing creativty in order to get people to conform, as the song says if everybody looked the same we'd get tired of looking at each other.
ok so please disregard everything i have ever said about me and any negative thoughts because the new me is working sooooo hard to try and quash what i used to be and this is because im fed up of trying to find something that in its own good time will reveal its self to me with out any trouble im single and i embrace that , im 22 pretty and i have amzing friends and well life is great!
I'm actually quite happy at the moment just made a lush chocolate mousse tart for mothers day ah aren't i the model daughter!! the one time a year when I'm nice to her hehehehehe actually no I'm nice all the time
so i had a talking to last night, (thank you) i know i didn't appear to be listening but i was and im quite concerned at where i am going with my life on an emotional level i.e. relationships etc as it seems i put far to much effort in for very little feed back and part of me is fed up of making the effort as it is like 100% effort and 0.5% return. so i don't make any "moves" as it were and then the other party responds in full force, and so the effect of that is i am lead to believe that there is more in it than there actually is so i up the ante and fall flat on my face.
In all honesty its a very vicious circle with no hope of letting up unless i am willing to just accept the fact that for the time being my emotional status has to be like the artic ie an abandoned mass of nothing because until i am truly happy with myself, its just going to shred my inner core and it's half gone already, sorry for the drama queen tendancies but it is mall my problem i fall for the wrong men and hey i get walked over so its all my fault. :-)